Long Distance Love and how to Thrive not just Survive
It is a big wide world out there and a global economy so chances are you and your beloved will have to work away from home at some point. Someone is usually left behind with the boring day to day end of the deal, while the other is working long hours in unfamiliar environments – either way, it’s never fun and can cause a serious disconnect in your relationship.
So how do you maintain the connection, the communication and the closeness when you aren’t even in the same city let alone the same hemisphere?
It can be done – but like all things that are worth it, it just isn’t easy. It takes time, patience, effort, forward planning a HUGE dose of trust and good humour.
My chosen one and I spend a lot of time on the road, in airports and hotels due to our work – sometimes I’m going in one direction and he another. Tearful farewells are commonplace and something I never get used to.
I go through a lot of waterproof mascara.
As he often works in remote locations or out at sea, connectivity is always our biggest issue. We also live on an island renowned for earthquakes, volcanic activity and bad phone reception so our communication can be really limited or totally erratic.
So how do we do it without resorting to daily tears and smoke signals?
Here are my tips on how to keep the love alive:
Keep a joint calendar system so you both know what’s going on in each other’s lives at any given time. Super handy when you are both operating in different time zones and don’t want to interrupt each other’s meetings with lovey-dovey texts or bikini pics (been there, done that).
Focus on the end goal and bigger picture – why are you both doing this and for how long? Put a time frame in place. Try not to keep things too loose and open-ended if possible. Have a plan.
If you have any problems or ongoing issues in your relationship, chances are they will be made a lot worse by distance. Always keep that in mind when entering difficult conversations. It’s a long way to travel for an ‘I’m sorry’ hug. If you need to work on your relationship – do that. Being apart puts a magnifying glass on your issues. If you see you need to work on effective communication, conflict resolution, trust or any other issue – now is a good time to seek out some pointers from a professional. Do the work.
Get busy – if you are the one left at home (we both have had our share of this) use it as an opportunity to really focus on yourself, your personal projects, your creative side and interests. Travel solo, organise your space, do some volunteer work, build yourself up, spend lots of quality time with friends, have one on one time with family, enjoy the alone time, get creative, start a new hobby, hit the gym or learn a new language. It’s a great opportunity to maximise your time and connect with who you are outside of your relationship.
Factor in time each week for a video chat – particularly if Wi-Fi is unreliable for weeks on end. You may just have to travel to a place where it will be stable. Technology (when it works) is a love saver when you go long distance.
Keep sentences like “we have to talk” for when you are face to face and have been home a little while. As tempting as it is to bombard your beloved with all the news and the dreaded to-do list the moment you meet up – save it until you have both had a couple of days to acclimatise and reconnect. Pick your moments and your battles.
Minimise the disconnect by having a regular date night via Skype. Dress up, order in or cook dinner, share a wine and a meal. Watch funny stuff on Youtube or a movie together – anything that keeps your connection going. Laugh together with abandon often.
Keep sharing your hobbies/ interests. We are both food-obsessed so while my partner was working in a cold, remote part of Western Australia last year – I wrote him a cookbook full of his favourite winter and campfire recipes. He clogs my inbox with interesting articles to read, funny stuff and cool videos every day. We share a pic of every meal we eat or cook while we are apart. We share what books we are reading and music we are listening to. That’s our thing – you do yours.
Don’t rely just on texts, WhatsApp or Messenger out of habit – mix it up. Phone calls or a surprise letter via email really ramps up your communication. Get old school and write long letters about anything and everything - full sentences really do make all the difference.
Surprise each other when you least expect it.
It’s easy to miscommunicate when everything is short, sharp text messages. Take time out to write a reasoned response to a difficult issue or a prickly problem. Always remember it’s harder to mend a bridge when you are a plane flight away.
If you are headed out somewhere remote, dangerous, off-grid or about to go on a well-earned bender for a night/weekend – check-in before you head off. And a simple “I’m home safe” is always appreciated.
Plan ahead for when you do meet up again. Book a restaurant, a cheeky getaway, something you both really love doing together - and just connect again. It really helps to have something awesome to look forward to after you have been apart. Phones off, no work, go off-grid and just focus on each other.
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