Livin' La Vida Lockdown Day 50: Riding the Coronacoaster

50 days of this has taught me a lot about being a human - I have done more 'humaning' than I ever bargained for. They should have also handed me a hard hat, some protective gear and a handbook at the beginning of this - it may have helped. If you think you know yourself (which I honestly thought I did) I am here to tell you - until you are kind of locked away with yourself for what feels like an eternity - you don't know anything.

Take a ride on the coronacoaster - where in the beginning, it's like a retreat - by Day 50 you are climbing walls and it becomes a form of punishment and you need to social distance from yourself.

Think of it like Groundhog Day where time becomes fluid and sticky all at once. You have studied enough philosophy to know that staring into the abyss is the easiest option here. But you veer yourself away from that particular pastime because an existential crisis won't get you through this.

Where insignificant events seem either huge or meaningless - and that could easily change tomorrow - hell that could change within the hour. Where the guy delivering your coffee grounds will be the longest face to face conversation you will have today and that becomes a highlight. Where you wake up every day coping and owning it - and turning shit into sunshine.

You get a good routine going - you are studying, meditating, working, cooking, learning a language being all 'super iso solo woman' and then by about Day 42 you hit the wall with an almighty thud that can be heard in space and you can't remember what day it is.

You start listing all your wins for the day. Your sleep is starting to not be 8 hours anymore. In fact, you now have a new intimate relationship with 1am, 2am and 3am. You do your gratitude journal but it feels hollow. As much as you don't want to admit it - you can't meditate your way out of this. You are now on the coronacoaster and have reached the uncomfortably numb zone.

You literally can't imagine a day without WiFi and thank every deity for your friends in various timezones and their amazing ability to make you laugh and keep you inspired. You are mentally exhausted often, totally switched on, optimistic, resigned, powerful, defeated and rudderless all at once.

Your senses are heightened so even the smell of lightening pervades your reality with a new intensity. You really truly hear things clearer particularly music. You dance alone but with others in the webiverse. You spend more time talking rather than texting.

When it rains you go stand on your balcony and get soaked by raindrops in the sticky humidity - just so you can feel connected to something elemental. You can't remember the last time you felt actual human physical contact and recall it was when you embraced and kissed your lover goodbye all those moons ago. By about day 44 you can't even imagine if or when that will ever happen again. That is another thing you park for another day. Because your energy is no longer limitless anymore.

Day 45 feels like a jail sentence for some strange reason - people in the next building are sitting on the ground on their balconies staring out at the clouds rolling in and looking defeated. You decide balconies should not ever have bars. Children are crying, adults are fighting - the cracks are showing now - a lady walks around outside in the street screaming again and someone takes her away.

Then the countdown to freedom begins - you put out your best walking clothes in anticipation and you feel odd and a bit nervous - it's been such a long time it seems. And just as well you didn't get too excited because then they change the date again. So like a prisoner not given parole - you then spend Day 48 binge-watching docos and comedy as you can barely move from the couch. That is the very first time you are completely resigned and spent. Then the next day dawns and up you go again! Let's start over, reset and get the ducks of positivity in a row. Onward.

Then on Day 50 you see the very first plane flying past your window and you stop...you stop everything and watch it like the miracle it is - and you realise how much you have missed seeing something so normal. You don't know where it's going - you don't even care. You get goose pimples and cry. You walk down the corridor near the lifts and stand at the large window with your mask on and see the city slowly coming alive with a bit of traffic.

50 days ago it was like a bomb went off and the world as I knew it went into hiding. Empty streets, closed stores, stillness and a pervasive quietness everywhere. And now watching the same city ever so slowly unfurl and put its face to the sky again is truly one of the most surreal moments in my life. And we all know I have seen and experienced some very strange things in my lifetime - but this? Nothing will top this.

Many thanks to CraigOnToast Craig Mack for this image.